In To Me ~ Intimacy

Intimacy ~ The space where we find our balls to wake the fuck up…

Sorry to disturb you but I’m here to break your shell of protection you’ve been carrying around with you for your adult life. Can I come in and shatter your preconceptions, projections, your ego constructs that have kept you, so called safe… Can I… I really love you… I can do an amazing job to break your heart wide open to be healed…

Do you mind if I crack you open, penetrate your heart with pure love and awaken you to the healing you needed as a child to fully open you to an intimate relationship with yourself being teased out by me…Intimacy is easy when it doesn’t matter…this matters… you know this because the tears keep flowing, can you be bold and stay little boy…

To be met in intimacy first you must allow the other to penetrate your consciousness on all levels. The need to risk everything, to being hurt to be love and to be loved, is at the core to a real heart felt meeting of two souls, surrendering to receiving ultimately what one has longed for all of one’s life.

Love, acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance…and more love…love…love…

The runner and the chaser…

The bonding strategy of the wounded child. I’m here, now I’m gone… How tiresome and draining to have to keep running, dumping, projecting your fears of your inner deepest insecurities, that If you allowed them to actually love you your inner world may even get better and improve with the support, the floods of tears opening up to the souls awakening, to fully letting go…Can you just trust her… Can you sit with being uncomfortable and vulnerable…

She is willing to hold you and kiss your cheeks as the tears roll down your face… She is not invested in your deepest fear that you may be annihilated based on past stories… Trust her Neil Trust…

Must I burn the house down again for the 4th and final time…So much fear driving the bus, why is the 6-year old little boy, my inner child driving the bus again anyway… who gave him permission…I ask my adult self why is he driving again…he can’t drive I speak outwardly…  Once I’m fully back in my body of authentic relating and with compassion for the impact of another bomb dropped capitulating this amazing relationship. The question arises, why am I here again… I try to see the situation I’ve created for what it is… Neil its your fear of being abandoned, your fear of being upset by not getting what you want…Its yours not hers, come on Neil it’s your projections…

I’m so fucking tired of this…Running away to keep safe…

Thank you for your clarity…

“Enough of this. Don’t bring this to me anymore. It’s not ok Neil.  Take it somewhere else, to a therapist or friends but no more to me.“

“Don’t fuck us up again Neil”, Slap…

Wow that nearly took my head off, after the abuse of my childhood a good slap is exactly what I needed to feel… for those who were not hit they won’t get what I just said… Being hit for me is like coming home sometimes… (I asked for the slap btw). The impact of my emotional roller coaster rodeo, dropping bombs for fun onto us created an inner war zone for both of us to negotiate…

Venus in Scorpio

The deepest of love placements with a twist of hatred when slightly crossed… Move beyond the hatred and projections, stories your crazy making mind creates in the space between… Find some trust, trust that this woman actually is totally committed to you… TRUST her Neil…

Listen to your heart whispering… I love her deeply and she loves me deeply… STOP the acting out now and feel… Feel all of your pain… show her, she is willing to see you fully, exposed and vulnerable. All of your suffering as it rises up to be healed by the love this relationship offers is ready to be let go off. Meet this amazing soulful woman who stepped into your life only a few months ago in lock down. Give yourself a chance not to sabotage this relationship. Stay Neil, Stay…

Getting your freak on

Again, my inner child 6-years old starts acting out from old wounds. Maybe very satisfying in the moment but the repercussion’s and collateral damage is NOT worth allowing my inner child to create calamity in the wake of a feeling that wasn’t a wanted response…

Remember each episode of acting out begins with a thought followed by the opportunity to feel or act out… There is always the space between to choose our actions, to be responsible. To choose love and compassion for-self and the other. The I Thou relationship that turns our emotional shit into gold, real Alchemy of the Heart.

“Neil, please please I beg you, don’t Drop The Bomb on us, on all this amazing work we’ve done together the past few weeks…”

She pleaded with me not to sabotage our relationship…

I am humbled by her ability to be compassionate in the face of being crushed and discarded…

The Explosion…

Oh fuck, what did I just do…

I love her, why would I push her away again, why am I so polarised by her… Heal the split Neil within you for goodness sake, see yourself and your behaviour for what it is…because your fears are running your projections as if it’s a reality…

I don’t understand why I did this again…Its brutal for both of us, to break up again… And for what…to get her attention…

Someone very close to me died that morning, but still can I be bold and show my vulnerabilities and ask for what I need rather than act as an aggressor…

The exposure

Redemption, acceptance, learning, staying with the uncomfortable path of being awakened by love and equally accepting the ugliest side of my own shadow revealing itself in a meltdown of emotional fear and a childlike tantrum, really you are trying to get her attention this way, oh my oh my…

Fuck, where to go from this place…

Fuck, it would be so easy to hate myself right now and collapse into self-pity…

No… find the love, love yourself deeper, now is the time to dance like your life depends on it, thank you St. Germain for your love and acceptance. I will love her unconditionally, I will find the strength to forgive myself, I will love her. I will bounce back, I will love and learn from my mistakes and grow…this is new Neil you’ve not been here before…

You are changing internally, you can do this, you are love and are loved beyond your wildest dreams… You are always enough, the world needs people willing to make mistakes to learn and grow and be willing to keep showing up…Neil you really do keep showing up and so does she, it is changing our dynamic, you both can see it for what it is, a cry for help, it is awakening us both …We can do this… we can move through and beyond this to a new chapter to a place of inner peace…

Forgiveness…

The power of forgiveness is without limits or borders in its infinite wisdom to overcome what is perceived as its potential possibilities to conquer abolitions. The ground breaking nature of forgiveness is that something so disturbing that felt so debilitating and unable to move through can be accepted and forgiven, wow…so powerful in its softness and freedom to be real breaks down all resentments and hatred…

Is it possible this is actually a window to go even deeper together, allowing us to move even closer to the source, to our sacred selves that encompasses everything but projects nothing…it’s called taking responsibility as adults for the child within us that was persecuted and abused…She has been so committed Neil, at last you can see this now…

I love you with all my heart, I am changing, we are changing…I have let my bombs fall away… I have chosen not to carry any armoury or weapons of mass destruction. I am finding my inner stillness, hiding or running no more, there is only the truth moment to moment, feeling my feelings, allowing myself to express what’s needed where we both feel safe and held.

Presence…

I am so grateful for your presence, nurturing, deep and authentic love. I am changing, you touch me so deeply with your love, there is nowhere else to go except to grow and melt into compassion internally, to expand into my empathy for how I’ve impacted you and begin to accept you without conditions… I see the beloved before me…I love you so much…

You are my teacher of true self love and selfcare…mirrored by your unshakable love for me…

The Lunar eclipse brought us to our knees and smashed what we had created. The Eclipse season commenced with the first one on the 5th June 2020 which is regarded as the “love &  hate Eclipse” this full lunar eclipse is squaring with Mars (representing anger and destruction impatience, sexual frustration, and lack of self-control) causing destruction in relationships around the world, exposing the weaknesses separation embodies for it to rise to the top to be healed…I was aware of this placement but still it impacted us greatly…Healing needed to take place… I trust we got what was needed in our system to heal… The main themes will be, balancing your personal freedom and self-expression, with changing levels of restrictions and responsibilities. To avoid increasing tension, flexibility and adaptability are needed.

I am so grateful for your love, for your presence for your acceptance and clarity, for stating your boundaries that this emotional withdrawing has to stop now…

A clear NO and you didn’t run away…

I can work with this…

What will happen on the Solar Eclipse…

“The ring of fire” as it is known is in Cancer on the 21st June 2020. The opportunity brings forth the New moon and openings for wiping the slate clean and fresh beginnings…

The cup that has its cracks filled with gold is the cup that represents the old being transformed into something even more beautiful and alive through its life’s experiences…life’s true Alchemy through living relationships. The reason for our existence on planet earth…Connection with other people…what else are we here for…

 I hope that the love between us will act as a catalyst for our intertwining and yet boundaried twin flame relationship. We have been so lucky to stumble onto each other’s paths. Even if this means the end for us romantically, I’m so so grateful for our time together and have also found the deep love within myself to not come with expectation of what might happen next for us…

The space between meetings, is the space for worries, fears, projections, abandonment issues, the lost boy or girl, to be on loop and fast forwards creating inner turmoil … Neil you can conquer the inner fears of aloneness and separation…

In to me ~ intimacy to know oneself even deeper than you possibly thought you could go…

I will ask for support even more than before, I will do my personal practices religiously, I will stay present, I will allow myself to fall but without projecting, I am right here right now, I will love myself in the face of terror and my thoughts of annihilation that are just not true…

I will focus on me to go inwards and feel when I start to freak the fuck out…

Stay with the reality, this deep love…

Don’t Fuck this up again Neil…

Wake up to the love…

Emotional mind games and it’s continuous cycle of crushing the other to survive…

Has to stop, NOW…

 STOP the car little boy… Get out and sit in the back, let the adults drive its much safer and kinder for everyonecome here, let me give you a huge hug for trying to step into your fathers’ shoes…SCM” I’m so SORRY for all the pain I’ve caused you. I hope you can fully forgive me xxx

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